Today was the exercising-est day ever. I went to two classes at the gym, one on mini-trampolines and then a weight-lifting class during which I became painfully aware of every muscle in my abdomen. Wow. Who knew obliques could even feel that much hurt.I also went to self-defense class in the afternoon. It's the eighth week of the course, so we've learned enough that we're now being tested on combination attacks. For the last five minutes of class, we got into groups of three and took turns fending off repeated choke holds, headlocks, and sleeper holds from two "attackers".
I really like the course and have learned a lot from it, but it's emotionally exhausting, too, because it forces me to confront some of my worst fears. One of the very few things that I dislike about living in the city (and the main reason that I plan to move away in the next few years) is the heightened sense of vulnerability I have here. When I walk around alone at night, I think of all the police alerts I've gotten at work in the last two and half years about women being attacked around campus. I know these things don't only happen in urban areas, but I also don't remember getting campus alerts about armed robberies, stabbings, attempted assaults and abductions, etc., in my tiny undergraduate town. I've seen all of these and more since moving here in 2006, each new incident a reminder of the need for constant vigilance. The possibility of attack is something that I try not to dwell on (I tend to be an anxious/obsessive person to begin with), but I'm forced to think very concretely about it whenever I go to self-defense class because we discuss (and act out) all kinds of sinister scenarios.
The class hasn't taken away my fear (I don't think that's the point), but it has given me a constructive way to channel it whenever I start to feel panicked. The sense of self-efficacy I've gained there has started to impact other parts of my life, as well. I feel more strong and self-reliant in general, and I've stopped thinking that just because I'm small, I can't fend off an attack.
It's also got me thinking about other kinds of "self-defense". Negotiation, for instance, is another fear of mine--I associate it with conflict, competition, and assertiveness, things I tend to avoid in professional and academic settings. A friend in one of my grad classes once told me that she convinced the admissions committee to double her scholarship when she was accepted into the program, and another recently got a huge raise and a better job title using techniques that she learned in a negotiation course. When I hear things like that, I think, "I could/would never do that." But I want to learn to! So I'm going to get some books on the subject, and I hope to audit a course next year.
