September has always meant big changes for me. My parents are both teachers, so Back to School marked the end of vacation for all of us when I was a kid. In elementary, middle, and high school, it signaled a return to early morning wake-ups and homework and after-school programs, sports practice, or play rehearsals. In college, it meant packing up my room and moving across the state. I've been out of school for over two years now, but because I work at a university, back to school still brings changes-- students return, and the workload picks up.
The new class of students arrived on campus yesterday. The Quad was abuzz with nervous energy and excitement. Even though I no longer work at my alma mater, the sights and sounds of the day brought me back to my own first day of college. I remember feeling so many things--I wanted to set up my room and meet my roommates, wanted to explore my new school, wanted to sit alone and think, wanted to spend time with my parents because I wouldn't see them again for a month. A month seemed like such a long time. I stood outside the dorm as they drove away that afternoon, and didn't go in again until they were out of sight.
Yesterday, as we sat on the lawn and watched the students and their parents swarm over the lawn, I asked a co-worker what she remembered about her first day of college. "Fear," she said. "A lot of fear. Everyone was afraid."
That's how it often is for me. I think dread is my default setting when it comes to new experiences. I've been feeling it a lot lately, because today was Back to School for me, too, in a big way: I started grad school.
Honestly, I'm not even sure why I was so nervous about it. When I critically examined each element that might inspire fear--the specter of getting lost, or of not knowing anyone--none really seemed intimidating. I knew I wouldn't get lost, and I didn't really care that I wouldn't know anyone. And yet, when I wasn't staring the fear down, it would creep back in.
Orientation went swimmingly, though. Everyone was friendly, we had a delicious lunch of dim sum, and I got my schedule for the fall all straightened out. Piece of cake. You would think that this experience--and an accumulation of similar experiences over time--would teach me not to worry like I do. But this fear clings tightly, and won't be pacified by reasoned thinking.
Nevertheless, I am excited about grad school. I think it will make my life bigger, in a way. Sitting in my quiet office, in a quiet corner of campus, I sometimes feel like the world I inhabit has grown small--smaller than me. It's nice to be expanding again, moving out into new places. Finding new challenges.
